Protein Shakes.....

Ok well I havent officially heard from the doctor on my date, but I have decided after gorging myself all weekend in Seattle, I should detox my body. So I started the pre-op liquid diet. It consisted of turning my coffee into a vanilla protein coffee iced late or for a better term "el grande shake" To my astonishment it was actually really good and filling. Next was the frozen berry protein shake for lunch. Went down smoothly. Appetite so far soo good, next is the diabetes snack bar and V-8 juice in the afternoon. Well by the time i got home i couldnt have made our chicken/shrimp salad any quicker. I mean i devoured that thing like it was a double cheesburger. But it filled me up and that was the point. Not to mention the freakin energy i had today. wow, if only i knew i could do this forever and not have to spend the money on the surgery!! but i know myself...i need the tool!!! I've been reading alot of blogs on the LBT forum and some of them are really hilarious. Also it feels so nice to know that I;m not the only person in the world struggling as a fat person. I mean dont get me wrong, im not stupid. I look around me, I know im not. But i guess i thought that the "thoughts" i was having were only my own. Guess not!!! Not that i wish others to feel the same as i do, but it does help hearing there stories :)

Ferries......

Wow today was a long ass day!!!! Luckily Dr. Woodhead with ferry and walk is literaly a 15 min voyage from the ferries. BUT still getting on the ferry, getting on the bus, getting back on the bus, getting back on the ferry, that is freaking tiring i tell you BUT soo worth it. So i had my mtg with the doctor who's going to perform my surgery. He did all the things a good surgeon should do, try to talk me out of it by giving me the failure stats if i dont' do my part. Honestly, i am soo ready for this and i think he could tell in my eyes I was. I feel really good about this. My best bud and her mom, who is like my second mommie, are totally supportive and my family has been great and Dean has been super....so I've got all the positive support I need to do this and make this successfull. BRING it on I say!!! The Doc soo funny, I was like so how soon do you think we can have this done, he's like ohh a few weeks, i sit down with his secretary and she's like ya maybe 2 months, 1 month at the earliest....LOL i had a chuckle and told her what he said, she laughed and was like uhhh no. Thought that was funny...anyhow waiting on the anesthatiagist to call, once i have an appt with him, i have an appt for surgery. Cross the fingers kids!! ohh did i mention i get two weeks off of work for this.Dont' get me wrong, it wont be no Disney Land, but still.... Yay, love working for the govt, benefits rock!!! Until next time.....

Losing my best friend - food

yes you read right, I'm slowly starting to come to terms with my appending loss...food. I knew it would happen at some point, where I would be forced to stop leaning on for support during the ohh soo dificult times throughout the years. It was always within reach whenever needed and never turned me down. It was the one thing i could always rely on to make that emptyness in the pit of my stomach, hungry or not, always content. But now, I'm slowly realizing for the sake of everything in my life that is good, I MUST part ways with the obsession. And that is exactly what it is, an obsession. You don't know how many times I wished that god just created us all the same size regardless of what we ate. That food had no impact on our physical well beings what so ever. But that was never really my wish, my wish was to be able to have an obsessive free relationship with food. One that I knew was always there, but only had for survival needs. I know that day is coming. It has to come, I have no choice. I will NEVER allow myself to get back to this person who lost soo much control. I will have that control back. For all the good reason :)

Beginings

So I've managed to play soo many head games with my head that I feel like I have a permanent dent in it. I have to say that dealing with this procedure 4 months before my wedding was not the smartest idea i've had, but again, worse things have occured. Am I setting myself up for a nervous breakdown? Perhaps, but it could not be any worse than the humiliation I feel everytime someone gives my the once look over while waiting for the elevator or walking past me on the sidewalk. That is pure hell. But I have to be brave and know that I can get thru this without any casultaties. Have I mentioned how much of an angel my fiance Dean is. It takes a strong man to sign up for what I've commited to in the next little while. He believes in me and that is the only thing that gets me thru waking up everymorning. I approached him a few years ago with this idea, but being a strongwilled man, he tried to convince me over and over again that I could do this on my own and without the surgery. I wanted to believe him soo bad that I convinced myself I could also do it. But having taken those steps forward soo many times only to go back steps over and over again, I finally made the decision that is best for me. Not for anyone else, because in the big schmes of things, this is my body, my temple and my life. I can only be responsible formyself and my actions. So do I have faith is this process, sure do. I have to.

Thanks Ang

Well I have to thank Ang (current Blogger also) for giving me the idea to also Blog my lap-band journey on here. If she can have the courage to write down her journey, so can i.
I can't say that weight loss surgery isn't something that hasn't been on my mind for the last 6 years. But as most people, i kept telling myself that I can do it on my own. Every time I took the step it sent me back two steps. Frustrated, helpless and really depressed I finally realized I needed help. I had already contacted Dr. W's office last year, had the assistant send over the papers and everything. Unfortunatly they ended up in the recycling and away from my thoughts, bcs again I can do it on my own. Now, 4 months away from my wedding, I am lifting my arms in release and asking for help. I owe it to myself, my fiance and my family to get this under control. So I contacted Dr. W's office again last week and had her send over the papers via fax and sent back an hour later. I was determined to get this going while I still had the courage. So i booked an appt for next week, had her send me some requisitions for some blood tests to take with me to the appt, again speeding things up. I have only told a select few, my fiance of course, my parents and my best friend and her mom. So far everyone is pretty supportive. Have to feel out my b/f and her mom a bit more. Not sure how i'm going to keep this a secret from work, but im determined to find a way. Until next time....